Twin Powers

Loneliness is a feeling. Alone is a “state”.

As a divorced man and single father, I was traumatized when my ex-wife “dropped the bomb” on me. Divorce was the “bomb”, and a lonely life was the collateral damage. The prospect of a quiet social life, a lonely bed, and an empty home were the shrapnel that terrified me. The utopian scenario of two kids and a beautiful wife with a white picket fence and a shaggy dog was torpedoed. Was I destined for a life of taking care of young boys every other week and sulking in sorrow or drowning in loneliness the other weeks? The post trauma for almost six months with my “new identity” was fluid. I was asked many times by friends and family if I was lonely. I knew the answer but was too ashamed to admit it. I also knew my boys needed me more than ever, and the trauma they felt also had to be dealt with. So, after the anger, resentment, rage and sadness subsided, I had 2 choices: I wallow in this “winter of darkness” where my boys and I are buried in freezing emotions leaving me lonely, or you pick yourself up and prepare for a “spring of new blooms”? Thank God I chose the latter.

^{The path to alone is better than the dead-end of loneliness.
@raul_cantu_visual_artist}

The path to alone is better than the dead-end of loneliness.

Yes, I decided to pull up my bootstraps and push the eject button from a cycle of loneliness. Was it quick? Hardly! Was it easy? Hell no!

My initial reaction to my divorce was doing time in a prison cell of loneliness. What happened in prison? He tried to escape!! Escape the solitary confinement of a mind and body at the mercy of his loneliness. This inmate had sex with his 24-year-old nanny, 27 years his junior! I dated women that I was in no way attracted to, with whom I never shared similar values, or with women who completely disliked children! Took up hobbies and past times that he would otherwise never consider. Accumulated “stuff” he didn’t need, only the need to fill a void! Worked more hours than ever. And finally. . . the ultimate solitary confinement of immersing myself in social media and porn. Yet all these “escapes” kept him locked up in his cell of loneliness. Add to that the shame of these actions, and another lock was firmly placed on his prison door.

Eventually, came my epiphany and inevitable cell break the day I heard a simple phrase: Does this situation leave you feeling “buried” or “planted”? Buried in sorrow or planted in hope? The first action was for me to truly believe my divorce was an opportunity and not a consequence. That took time, therapy, and my faith in God. I knew I was lonely because I was sad, depressed, ashamed, reactive, and finally felt victimized. I swore all my life that I would never be a victim or allow someone or some event to do that to me. It did! A victim of my circumstance who was angry, resentful, vengeful, but most of all, lonely.

Time, therapy, and faith took me on a journey of self-discovery. Discovery to the root cause of my loneliness and the elixir of acceptance.

Through therapy, I realized that being raised an identical twin, all I knew was to have a companion 24/7/365 since inception. We were a “freak of nature” where, from an early age, I was a plural identity. A twin, a pair, partners-in-crime where all my success, failures, achievements, and milestones were celebrated or chastised in tandem; never solo. I never knew what it was like to feel, embrace, or experience “alone” time or celebrate solo. Yes, I could blame my parents for raising us as a duality up until college, but that would never solve my issues; only create an excuse and delay my need to heal. This became the first step to accepting my fear of loneliness.

The second step was to realize that my self-soothing behavior to calm my loneliness was reactive. Reactive behaviors that would help me avoid the need to face my fear of loneliness head on. Yes, my divorce ended after 15 years of togetherness. Only after I realized it was reactive to solve my loneliness by marrying the wrong person in the first place and knowing that divorce was inevitable. My reactive behavior didn’t occur after my divorce; it caused my divorce. I solved my loneliness through reactive behaviors that only masked the root cause of my fear: fear of being alone. The only way I could overcome my fear was to marry the most attractive arm candy who came my way by denying the red flags and defending the misdeeds. As a divorcee, I thought I could also overcome my fear of loneliness by reactive, detrimental behaviors that only masked this underlying fear.

Six months after divorce, my PTSD (Post Trauma Since Divorce) subsided. I made a conscious decision to get proactive, pull up those bootstraps and get to work; work on myself. My masculinity, fatherhood, and self-worth became the priority. I no longer wanted to wallow in self-pity. It only made me lonelier and less of a man, father, and potential partner.

I stopped dating and committed to actions that would help me overcome my fear. I only accumulated necessities unless it was for my children. My mundane hobbies were abandoned. I had no time or desire for porn and social media. If I was to do the necessary work, I needed to be alone. Alone gave me the time, freedom, and inclination to solve this conundrum. In almost an instant through a change in reference, I realized my “aloneness” was an asset and not a liability.

^{Into the storm was my only choice.
Photo by Michał Koralewski on Unsplash}

That “winter of despair” truly became the “spring of blooms”. I suddenly became excited, motivated, and focused on this new me and where my self-work would take me. It’s been said that the only animal in North America that will enter a storm is a Buffalo. “Into the storm” as my amazing Pastor would say. I went into the storm, knowing I could no longer run from it. I became a Buffalo, who entered the storm to face my fears and deal with them once and for all. The storm was real and raw. However, I came out the other end knowing I made that choice and took responsibility for my loneliness.

Over time, the realization came to me that being alone takes confidence, courage, and self-love. I had to love myself first if I could ever love another woman again. I had to be present in my feelings and know that the alone time was a purposeful gift. I made a choice to be alone, and that was refreshing and powerful. I was no longer at the mercy of loneliness because I made the choice to be alone with my feelings and feel through them. Only then could I understand the power of alone.

Over time, the realization came to me that being alone takes confidence, courage, & self-love. . . I made a choice to be alone, and that was refreshing & powerful.

When I was alone, I learned many things about my inner self and the dichotomy it created against the backdrop of loneliness. Alone allowed me to heal, loneliness stopped me in my tracks. I began to grow because I was alone, loneliness squashed it! My loneliness was paralyzing, alone was able-bodied. I got up in the morning excited and motivated for the day and what more I could learn about myself and what growth would occur in my “present” state of mind.

Loneliness was chaotic, alone was calm. I learned to control my anxiety of loneliness by knowing it was temporary and served a purpose at that moment in time. I was alone because I just had a crazy week with my toddlers. I was alone because I needed to recover from intense workouts. I was alone because I needed to pause from the hectic work schedule. I was alone because I needed time to feel my feelings.

In my lonely state, feelings were hidden, while I was alone, I could express my feelings. Feelings of joy, gratitude, fear, sadness; it didn’t matter. I was comfortable in the feeling that filled my mind.

I was sadly insecure in my loneliness while secure in my aloneness. I could go to a movie and enjoy it alone. Have dinner down the street and not feel like an outcast. I traveled and explored other cities without any reservations literally and figuratively! I went to church solo with all my traditional two parent families without care of judgment.

My loneliness was arbitrarily reactive, while my alone is thoughtfully proactive. I consider my thoughts, actions, and activities in a cerebral manner, knowing I’m doing this out of self-love and not self-soothing. I don’t run to the liquor cabinet, check out a nearly naked woman on Instagram, scroll my contacts and text an ex. When you’re lonely, you masturbate, while alone, you meditate. Humans have unlearned the innate ability to breathe properly and consistently. A constant focus on my breath work has not only alleviated my fear but improved my health.

Alone taught me boundaries because loneliness was boundless. I had the confidence in myself and enough love for myself to set expectations and limits for those whom I interacted with in personal and professional relationships. I had enough confidence in my alone to know that when I bailed on dysfunctional relationships, my alone was safe for me and my identity. Alone forced me to become authentic and honest, while loneliness was inauthentic and dishonest.

I became selfish in my alone because I was my priority. My happiness, security, confidence, safety, and well-being came first. My loneliness was selfless because everyone else’s happiness, satisfaction, needs and wants were placed ahead of mine all to the detriment of my self-worth and well-being.

It’s been four years since I went “into the storm”. A storm that changed my life. I still experience those dark clouds of loneliness; however, they no longer paralyze, scare, or inhibit me and my self-worth. Fatherhood is calm and fulfilling; no longer chaotic and arbitrary.

After three years of dating abstinence, I am now open to the possibility of being with another woman. I have the confidence, security, and tools to be the man a woman would want and expect. This “alone” man is now confident, authentic, and able-bodied in his efforts with not only a partner but also my children, family, co-workers, and clients. Authentic and secure enough to bring my boundaries and expectations to the table without any reservation. It also allows me to know I will stay for all the right reasons and leave for all the wrong reasons.

Early on in my recent dating experience, many women asked me if I’m lonely. I was confidently able to tell them: “No, I’m not lonely. Just alone. . .” A big change from the early days of hiding from the shame.

Unfortunately, in our modern society, loneliness is at epidemic levels because many cannot resolve or differentiate that dilemma from alone. Our consequences and experiences may be different, however our need to enter the storm is alike. Do you see your storm, and are you ready to enter it, knowing alone and lonely are not interchangeable?